Distrust

The Psychiatrist is in, the patient told himself. The white reinforced door slowly creaked open revealing the doctor standing behind it. He stepped inside, eyeing the patient with great interest. White walls, white ceilings, no object to distract or get in the way of the interview. The patient just sat there, seemingly unimpressed with his entrance. His trembling hand is the only flaw in his poker face act.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, the sound of the patient tapping against the steel table. It ripples through the air, breaking through the silence. The taps sounded random, but the doctor can’t help but think there’s a pattern to the taps. Like there was some unseen method to an act of madness.

The doctor, in a rush to begin the session, threw a folder onto the table. It’s content scattered across the table, pictures, data, checklists, anything that could aid the interview. He sat down and took out a voice recorder. And thus the interview began.

“We’re recording this conversation, anything you say will be documented and you have the right to stay silent. Are you aware of your rights and willing to participate?”

“Yes”

“What is your name?”

“Cassian”

“How old are you?”

“16”

“Do you know why you’re here?”

“Yes”

“Why are you here?”

‘To answer your questions”

With the basics down, the doctor decides to go straight to the heart of the matter.

“That’s correct, you’re the sole survivor of Arctic Base 0502. Tell me what happened”

“Storm...”

“Yes, one largest arctic storm in history swept through the area. What happened during the storm?”

“...”

Cassian leaned back, trying to put as much distance between him and the doctor. The doctor recognized this gesture and continued with the interview.

“How about why you were there in the first place?”

“I was part of an expedition”

“Why did you join that expedition?”

“...”

This time Cassian crossed his arms and looked away. He knew the answer to that question but to him it was personal information. He couldn’t possibly tell the doctor how he decided to put as much distance as possible away from his parents, how the both were caught cheating with one another, how his neighborhood treated him afterwards.

Cassian needed his help, he needed it badly. But he couldn’t give the doctor a staright answer, there was so many things to tell that he couldn’t decide on one. So he started with an analogy.

“What if you were stuck on an island, completely alone and you had the power to summon another human being to keep you company. But by doing so you would be stranding that person to the island too, would you do it?”

Cassian’s question surprised him, he hesitated for a moment and chose the morally right answer.

“No”

“Unlikely, let me change my question. How long would you have to be stuck on that island before you go insane and drag some other human to purgatory in order to save your sanity?”

Now this was just getting ridiculous, thought the doctor.

“Cassian, this is about you, not me.”

“Don’t you get it? A drowning man ALWAYS pull others down with him”

“Cassian, I can’t keep track of all of your metaphors!”

The doctor’s voice came out a lot louder than the doctor anticipated. He was practically screaming and his voice echoed a few times before it disappeared.

“...”

“Look, look clearly you’re traumatized after what happened to you. You’re stressed. And you feel guilty.”

“I’m fine”

“I understand tha...”

“I TOLD YOU I’M FINE!”

This time, it was Cassian who was screaming. Unlike the doctor’s voice, Cassian’s tone was a lot harsher and angry. The doctor took note of this.

“Calm down Cassian, you’re displacing your angry. It’s very common among my patients.”

“I am not sick, I am not crazy. I’m not like them...”

“Like who?”

“...”

“Who is ‘them’, Cassian?”

“The others”

“You mean your expedition group?”

“No, I meant everyone else.”

“Everyone else?”

This excited the doctor, maybe he was finally onto something. He pulled a lot a strings, a lot of favors to get here. He refuse to go back empty handed.

“Yes, the personnel at the Arctic Base 0502 and my fellow expedition group members”

“The crew at Arctic Base 0502 was alive?”

“They used to, by the time my group arrived they were already rotting.”

“What happened to them?”

“They died”

“How?”

“Disturbingly”

Interesting choice of words, the doctor thought. It was clear from Cassian’s expression that this really does disturb him. As much as the doctor wanted to pry further into the topic, he was skiping a few important questions, so he back-paddled through them.

“Okay... Let’s go back to the beginning. How did your expedition arrive at Arctic Base 0502?”

“We were caught in the storm so our guide, Mr. Okada, decided to look for shelter. His radio caught a signal from Arctic Base 0502 made specifically to help researchers safely find their way to the base in case of a storm. So with nowhere else to go, we made our way there.”

“A signal? From Arctic Base 0502’s crew?”

“Yes, they stranded us... in that island.”

“And then what happened?”

“First few days went well, we ration our food, melt snow for water and kept warm with the heater.”

“How about the personnels at the base? How did you identify them?”

“We found notes scattered all over the place. Testimonies, diaries, records of what happened.”

“What happened to them?”

“Which one? The notes or the personnel?”

The doctor opened a series document regarding the residents of Arctic Base 0502. He decided to start with the leader.

“Let’s start with Eric Shaw, the leader of the three man research team that was moved to base 0502 5 years ago.”

“He kept things in check, made the decision to leave the signal on indefinitely. First one to die.”

“How did he die?”

“An accident, he didn’t follow the manual for the explosives correctly.”

Could that be the cause of the explosion that teared through Arctic Base 0502’s main gate, The doctor asked himself. It was assumed by investigators from the damage and the explosive residue surounding the damaged gate that dynamite was used. Arctic Base 0502 had a stock of dynamites meant to aid researchers blow up obstacles that hindered progress, such as a cave wall or a large amount of debris.

“What were the explosives for?”

“They planned on destroying the reinforced outpost door to allow them to escape, the door was malfuctioning, it wouldn’t open.”

“Did they managed to escape?”

“The escape attempt was a failure, the leader, Eric Shaw, died in the explosion. The evac vehicle broke down midway. The biologist, Maria sanders, disappeared on her way back to the base.”

“And Matthew? Matthew Guillemot, the assistant?”

“He locked himself in the food storage and starved.”

Everything Cassian said was backed up with evidence found from Arctic Base 0502. Nothing could disprove Cassian’s statements.

“The rescue team found you half-dead at the storage room, what were you doing there?”

“Food”

“Food? There was still some food left at the storage room?”

“Yes, plenty of it at first. I ate them all.”

“Didn’t Matthew Guillemot starved at the food storage room?”

“He did, he starved himself surrounded by food.”

“And why would he do that?”, The doctor asked, skepticly.

“I think he became suicidal, he wrote that he was depressed in his entries. He blamed himself for losing both Eric and Maria. Being alone for so long only made it worse, I guess one day he just lost it and refused to eat. Went mad like the rest of the team.”

“Like the rest of the team?”

“Yeah, Eric had these seizures from time to time. He described as something seizing control over his body. According to one of Maria’s entries, she thinks Eric accidentally pulled out one of the wires in a seizure and triggered an early detonation.”

“How about Maria?”

“She had hallucinations, vivid ones, of things lurking in the shadows. She was obsessed with the idea that they were being watched by some kind of evil entity. That this entity was trapping them. She ran away screaming, leaving Matthew alone as he made his way back to base.”

So three professional adult researchers went mad? The doctor didn’t buy it.

“How did your fellow expedition members react to this piece of knowledge?”

“They didn’t know, at least not the full story. They made their own hypothesis from the notes they found individually but I never told them anymore than what they already knew.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t think it was a good idea to talk about depressing topics”, answered Cassian with a shrug.

“What happened in the first few days at the base?”

“We started running out of food, everyone panicked. Bruce started stealing food, Ryan and I were smart enough to eat less and save our leftovers.”

“And then what happened?”

“Fights started breaking out, everyone would blame one another or try to take each other’s food. Collectively, we decided that to have someone delegated to the task of overseeing the rationing of food and to stop future fights.”

“Who was delegated with that task?”

“Our guide, Mr. Okada, the oldest among us voted for me. He explained that I was the quietest of the group and am not really close to anyone, so I’m less likely to prioritize one person over the other. The group was relunctant, but after a 2 day trial period everyone agreed that I was the best person for the job.”

The doctor smiled, he wondered just what Cassian did with that position of power.

“So everybody else simply starved to death?”

“Not exactly, a few days after I was delegated with the task, our heater broke down.”

“Ah... I see”, said the doctor, nodding.

“With no way to heat our food and ourselves, we quickly became sick. Our food was dwindling and our supply of water was low. We were desperate.”

“What did you do?”

Cassian steeled himself for what’s to come.

“We killed off Bruce.”

The doctor accepted this information with unsettling calmness, not even a glint of disgust or blame towards Cassian for what he had done. This was even worse for Cassian. Calmness, to Cassian, is not a normal reaction to what he had said.

“Bruce Maffray? Because he was the biggest among you and could provide the most nourishment?” The doctor asked with a monotous robot-like voice.

“That and he also had a history of repeated theft of food, we feared he might resort to thieving again. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen again”

“Why are you so sure he wouldn’t steal again?”

“Because he said so, and I believe him. I was also incharge of stopping fights so as a preemptive measure, I took it upon myself to talk and listen to everyone.”

“What did Bruce say to you?”

“He said he wouldn’t steal again, not when I’m in charge of the food. He said I treated him and everyone else fairly. I tried to warn him of the danger but he didn’t believe me. I wanted to stop everyone from doing it but I was forced to keep neutral, although by doing so I was no less guilty for what happened.”

Cassian can’t help but remember that day. Sitting on the cold hard floor next to Bruce. Both of them hugging their knees due to the cold. Cassian muttered a curse to the broken heater and Bruce nodded in response. Mr Okada was still fixing the heater to no avail, while Jennifer was talking to the rest of the members instigating Bruce’s murder.

“Did you eat Bruce?”

“I would never!”, Cassian answered immeadiately, appalled by the very idea. “Bruce was a good guy, he never deserved what happened to him, none of us did.”

“But Bruce’s body was found with signs of being eaten. So the rest of the group ate except you?”

“Not exactly, Bruce was sick. He had coughs and was vey weak. We couldn’t risk getting another person infected again so we threw his body outside of the base.”

“Infected again? So someone was infected before you threw out Bruce’s body?”

“Yes, one of us tried to eat Bruce raw. It didn’t end well.”

“Who was this person?”

“...”

Cassian knew who this person was, but he wasn’t ready to tell the doctor. Noticing this, The doctor continued.

“Anything else you knew about Bruce?”

“Bruce would talk a lot about the food his mother would cook him. He especially loved the pepperoni and cheese pizza his mother made or his previous birthday. He knew his food and according to him he was a decent cook.”

“Alright... Let’s continue, what happens next?”

“Mr Okada managed to get the heater running again. But losing two members was taking a toll on everyone, the damage had already been done.”

“Surely with the heater running, everything wasn’t as bleak.”

“Nope, everybody started losing their mind. The symptoms vary but all of them became crazy.”

“Then why are you the exception? Why is it that everyone but you went crazy?”

“Because I had a purpose, a reason to keep going. I was going to take care of everyone, keep them fed and listen to them.”

This wasn’t completely true, Cassian lost his mind just like everyone else. He lost his senses from time to time. Sometimes only his sight, sometimes all his senses at once.Leaving him in a dark void in which he had no control.

“You took care of everyone?”

“I tried, I would listen to their need and try to reason with them”

“What kind of symptoms did your fellow expedition group show?”

“Kevin, the group’s clown, he lost his ability to speak words properly. His way of talking became more and more incoherent and incomprehensible as time went on. Eventually he stopped breathing. It started out as a form of asthma that gradually became worse, before he died he was struggling to breath. Rolling around, arms flailing. We tried to help, all of us did, But he died anyway.’

“That sounds painful”

“It probably was, but Kevin didn’t lose his ability to write. He told me he was in pain, his hands would tremble making his writing messier. The last thing he wrote to me was: ‘Woof, woof woof, woof, there you go. A joke you can take home to tell your dog.’ I swear that guy never lost his sense of humor.”

Cassian smiled for a bit as he reminisced all the jokes and bad puns Kevin told him. But not long after, his face darkened and he was reminded that Kevin was no longer here.

“How about the rest of the group? Jeanne?”

“I’m saving Jeanne for last.”

“Why?”

“Your her father, aren’t you?”

“...”

“Mr. Lawrence’s shocked expression was prove of what Cassian had feared. Mr. Lawrence was not just here as a psychiatrist but as a father in search of what happened to his daughter as well.”

“Tell me what happened to my daughter”

“I told you, I’m saving her last”

Mr. Lawrence muttered a curse so soft it was almost indistinguishable from an exhale. He was dying to know what happened to his daughter, his little angel.

“Promise me you’ll tell me what happened to my daughter by the end of the interview.”

“I promise”

“Swear it!” Mr. Lawrence scowled.

“I swear to tell you what happened to your daughter by the end of the interview.”

“Okay, tell me what happened to Mr. Okada.”

“I didn’t get to talk to Mr. Okada much, he often tries to keep himself busy no matter what. I guess that was just his way of coping with things. Up until the Bruce incident, we would decide everything through votes. But killing Bruce was crossing the line for Mr. Okada, so decisions after that were made exclusively by Mr. Okada.”

“And how did everyone react to Mr. Okada making all the decisions?”

“At first, no one was opposed to the idea. Mr. Okada was the only adult and he had also saved everyone by fixing the heater. Not to mention having Mr. Okada the sole leader of the group meant that he would be responsible for everything, back when the decision was made by votes everyone would be partly responsible for any mistakes made. No one wanted the responsibility.”

“But that wasn’t the case for long, was it?”

“Yes, a coup d’etat ensued.”

Mr. Lawrence arched his eyebrows.

“A coup d’etat? Why?”

“Mr. Okada tried to change things, everything from eating time, portion of food and resting hours was shuffled. I guess Mr. Okada was sort of exercising his power, but he made quite the mess in the process. He drastically changed a routine that wasn’t exactly bad and ended making it worse.”

“Was the coup d’etat successful?”

“Yes, Mr Okada resigned from his rule and we had a vote on who was going to be in charge”

“And who was that person?”

“They voted for me”

“How did Mr. Okada react to your ascension of power?”

“Not well, a few days after the coup he just left.”

“Where to?”

“I don’t know, he stole some supplies and walked out in the middle of the night”

“How did everyone react to what happened?”

‘Mr. Okada leaving us pretty much fed everyone’s paranoia, which in turn only made everyone’s insanity worse.”

“What symptoms were they showing?”

“Ryan kept hearing white noises”

“White noises?”

“They’re a kind of buzzing noise that were really annoying, Ryan told me so.”

None of this mattered to Mr. Lawrence, he so desperately wanted to hear about his daughter. It was taking all of his self control just to keep going with the interview.

“Ryan had a girlfriend, he kept talking about her. He counted the days and even write a letter celebrating their third year together, in the end we had to burn them to fuel the heater though.”

Tell me about my daughter, tell me what happened to my little angel. Mr Lawrence kept repeating in the back of his mind.

“Before he died, Ryan told me the voices were becoming unbearable. He would put his hands to his ears and scream himself to sleep. One day he just stopped screaming, he died.”

Shut up and tell me about my daughter, shut up and tell me about my daughter. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP...

“Mr. Lawrence? Are you...”

“SHUT UP!”

Cassian recoiled backwards in shock, he wasn’t expecting Mr Lawrence to raise his voice. At least, not yet. What surprised Cassian even more was what lay in front of his eyes, a man so throughly broken he was openingly sobbing.

Mr. Lawrence lost all of his self control as the image of her daughter, dead, flickered on his mind. In that moment, he felt a grief so deep it snaked itself around his heart and formed an iron clad grip. Memories flooded in like a tidal wave, it wash through his mind in a current so strong he lost sense of his surroundings.

The memory of the first time Jennifer called Mr. Lawrence “Dad” surfaced. He went home tired from work, his wife asleep on the couch with tv on. On her arms, their beautiful baby was cradled, she looked at him with a curious look fit for her age and he smiled at her. Just as he was about to sneak his way to the bedroom, he heard it. As soft as a whisper but it impacted him like being run over by a car. He felt truly happy.

Them that memory muddled and retreated back to the recesses of his mind, in exchange a new memory surfaced. In this memory, Mr. Lawrence was driving his car back home from Jennifer’s school. In the backseat, lay Jennifer crying. She’s a lot older now, maybe 12 years old? He wasn’t sure. Jennifer failed her audition to be snow white in the upcoming school cultural festival. To Mr. Lawrence, this wasn’t something worth crying for, but it meant the world to Jennifer. Instinctively, Mr. Lawrence’s paternal feelings took over and he felt obligated to protect his little angel. They spend the rest of the day eating ice cream and talked about failures were a part of life.

The next memory was not as pleasant. It was a rainy night, the night Jennifer left to join the expedition. She wanted a life outside of home, a life of adventure. Naturally, Mr. Lawrence was worried sick, he was still the same father that slept on the floor of the hospital for 3 days before Jeniifer recovered from a dangerous fever. Jennifer assured her father that everything was going to be alright, she wouldn't be alone because her best friend Ryan was also coming with her. Worst of all, Mr. Lawrence actually believed her. That’s why wasn’t worried when he didn’t hear from her for months, why he rushed to interview this young boy that was supposed to know what happened to his beloved angel.

“Have you calmed down, Mr. Lawrence?”

The world would be a much easier place if telling someone to calm down actually calmed them down,  Cassian thought.

Mr. Lawrence, interrupted from his daydream, let out a sigh of disdain.

“Can we please talk about my daughter?”

“You’re back! You stopped responding to me ever since you told me to shut up ages ago. Where do you want to start?”

“Did she say anything about me?”

“She said she still wants that car you refused to buy her. She talks about how you always come to her auditions to cheer her on. How she was sorry she left you when you were still grieving your wife’s death. All she wanted was some time alone, some time away from all the grief and sadness.”

“Did she die peacefully?”

“No, unfortunately she didn’t”

No... no that can’t be true, thought Mr. Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence didn’t want to believe it, a quick painless death he could come to terms with but a slow painful one? And one he blamed himself for. He simply couldn’t bear it.

“She was the one who ate Bruce raw. I don’t know if it was bacteria or something else entirely, but her intestines started decomposing from the inside out. After a few weeks, maggot started appearing on her abdomen.”

An image flickered in the back of Mr. Lawrence’s mind. His daughter, his little angel, dead, defiled by hideous creatures and never coming back. Grief consumed him, deeper and stronger than what he had felt before.

“When Jennifer’s mind broke, she started eating her own maggots. She...”

Mr. Lawrence couldn’t take anymore of this. He got up from his chair and turned around.

“Mr. Lawrence! Where are you going?!” Cassian alarmed by Mr. Lawrence’s sudden departure stood up from his chair.

Mr. Lawrence paused, unmoving, his hand already about to knock on the steel door.

“Mr. Lawrence! Please stay, you have to...”

“I’ve heard enough”, Mr. Lawrence interrupted, his voice sharp and unfeeling.

“But... my sentence! You’ve got to tell them, I’m innocent”, Cassian pleaded. “I didn’t kill them for food”

“You killed my daughter and for that I’ll make sure you rot just like my little angel!”

Mr Lawrence knew Cassian wasn’t at fault. But so deep was his anguish, so unbearable was the void that threaten to consume him. He had to give the devil a face. Someone had to be blame, someone had to be punished. This Cassian kid didn’t deserve to be alive! His daughter could fill the role of a thousand of this worthless trash sitting in front of him. He didn’t deserve to live! That right belonged to his daughter! His perfect angel, his perfect angel.

“I will tell the world of the montrosities you’ve commited. Every chance of revealing the monster you truly are shall not be missed. You DON’T deserve to live.”

Cassian slumped back to his chair, Mr. Lawrence was his last hope to clear his name. This betrayal carved a hole at his chest, grasping for his heart, threatening to rip him apart. He felt nauseous, be wildered. Again he would be isolated, left to die.

It started slow, almost indistinguishable. But Cassian knew it was coming, it was inevitable. His madness thrived in his despair. His hands experienced pins and needles, his vision darkens. The small lamp swinging in the room provided him with a gradually fading source of light and the slight sound of the lamp creaking as it swung grew increasingly distant and further away.

“No no no no no no....”

Cassian drew his legs up to his chest and hugged his knees. His hands growing numb and more numb every passing second. The light begins to fade, no longer could he hear. He brought his hands up to his face, but to his dismay, he felt nothing. He felt neither his hands or his face, he lost his sense of touch.

“NO NO NO NO NO NO!!”, he tried to scream. Yet he could hear nothing, unaware of the incoherent grumble of a noise he made instead of a plea, a prayer to who ever out there to make it stop.

The light disappears, completely. He tried to move, to seek help. But he couldn’t tell left from right, up from down. He tried to walk, but only a flurry of uncoordinated movements similar to seizure was all he could pulled off.

And like a mother cradles her child to bed, so too did the darkness lulled him away from reality

...forever.